Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR51-60/hum052

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-21 | 124KB

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Date:         Mon, 7 Mar 1994 06:33:55 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00052"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 16:42:12 EST
Reply-To:     BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Smoking and pets on the bus

One day a lady gets on the bus with her {small nervous dog, you fill in the
breed--I tend to think of it as a poodle but a Pom works too}. The bus driver
tells her she's not supposed to bring pets on the bus, but she begs and pleads
and the bus driver finally acquiesces, but only if the dog remains quiet.
She agrees to keep the dog in line and goes to a window seat near the back.

A few stops later, a guy gets on and sits near the lady and dog. He proceeds
to light up a big fat smelly cigar. "Excuse me, sir," our heroine says,
"there's no smoking permitted on the bus." "Too bad," he growls, and keeps
on puffing. She insists he put out the stogie right now, but he refuses.
In the meantime, the dog gets a whiff of the wafting smoke and starts barking.
"Never mind my smoke," the guy says, "what about your dog? His yapping is
bothering ME!" "Well, your smoke is bothering my little Fluffy! That's why
he's barking!" she argues back.

"Well, I'm not putting out my smoke. Your dog has a problem with the smoke,
why don't you ditch the dog," the man says. Meanwhile, the lady is terrified
the bus driver will make good on her promise to kick them both off if the
dog started making noise. In desperation, she opens the window and tosses
the dog out. BUT....what the cigar guy can't see is, she's still holding
the handle on the leash. That way, she can reel the dog in after the cigar
smoker finishes. He says to himself, "My god! I can't believe she really
tossed the dog out the window!" So he goes ahead and puts out the cigar.

After another stop, he finally gets off. "Whew!" the lady sighs. "That was
a close one. Now I can reel in little Fluffy. Boy, was my hand getting sore."
So she pulls up the leash, and there's the dog, and guess what the dog has
in his mouth?

You got it...the brick.


Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone lingerie."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 17:22:33 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeremiah K. OShea" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Michael Jackson Humor (Somewhat offensive)

Why are Michael Jackson's pants so short?

Because they're not his!

What would Michael Jackson have been if he wasn't an entertainer?

A priest!

What do K-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have little boys' underwear half off!

Ok, this is the *really* offensive one. . .

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue
Little Boy Blue who?
Little boy blew Michael Jackson.


Jake O'Shea
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 21:03:43 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Childhood jokes about sex <oldies>

Why does a cannon roar?
You would roar too if your balls were shot off.


The difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 22:25:19 -0500
Reply-To:     James McIntyre <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         James McIntyre <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Absolutely Gross Jokes

If you are offended easily, please delete this file now:
---------------------------------------------------------



One guy said to another, "The woman I saw you with last night must have been
60 years old. What's the story?"

"I love women that age," the other man replied.  "They don't swell, they don't
tell, they don't smell, and they're grateful as hell."
--------------

What is the difference between poverty and Jewish American Princess?

Poverty sucks.
-------------------
What's the difference between garbage and an ugly girl?

At least garbage gets picked up.
-------------------

How can you tell when a guy is ugly?

His personal physician is a vet.
-------------------

A salesman was staying in an old hotel where the bathrooms were down the hall.
He awoke before dawn with a full bladder.  He didn't have a bathrobe, so he
chanced a naked dash to the bathroom. However, halfway down the hall, a door
opened and three old maids came out of their room.

The salesman froze like a statue.  The first old-maid looked at him and put a
nickel in his mouth.  The second old maid put a dime in his mouth.  The third
old maid put a quarter in his mount and grabbed his penis. "Look," she told he
friends, "it dispenses hand lotion!"

---------

Ciao,
Dr. Ha! Ha!
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 22:41:01 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Personal & Confidential (True)

I just got a letter in the mail today (1/3/94). The envelope looks like
this:
    +----------------------------------------------------------------+
    |                                                        vvvvvv  |
    |                                                       > Bulk < |
    |                                                       > Rate < |
    |                                                       > USA. < |
    |                                                        ^^^^^^  |
    |                                                                |
    |   PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL                                    |
    |                                                                |
    |                                                                |
    |                                                                |
    |                                     **** CAR-RT SORT ** CR09   |
    |                                     Fred Smith                 |
    |                                     Or Current Resident        |
    |                                     123 E. Jalan Street # 9    |
    |                                     Urbana, IL  61801-9325     |
    |   MEMBERSHIP CARD ENCLOSED                                     |
    |                                                                |
    +----------------------------------------------------------------+
"Fred Smith" (the previous occupant) was crossed out (I assume by the
postal carrier) to indicate it's going to "Current Resident" (me)...

It's the "PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL" part that had me ROTFL 8-)

Ian

P.S. The name and address have been changed to protect "Fred's"
     anonymity.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 10:09:31 [phone]
Reply-To:     Ronald Pellerin <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ronald Pellerin <[e-mail]>

UNSUBSCRIBE HUMOR-L ron pellerin
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 08:39:06 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      REMINDER: HUMOR's rules (and a joke

As a general rule, remember that several hundred people read this list for
HUMOR. We need to be sensitive about the amount of mail HUMOR is sending out.
Courtesy requires that each message provide a *substantial* example of humor
and the accurate use of the subject line should show respect for the variety
of tastes as to what is funny to difference people. When HUMOR mail gets
heavy, consider holding off your posting until the next cycle. If you see a
rule violation, please don't comment to the list. Send the offender a polite
private note, if anything. The listowner enforces list rules privately.

For your information, the following are the seven rules of humor:

1. Only substantial examples humorous material should be posted to this list.

2. The topic must be clearly identified in the subject line.

3. When there is potentially sensitive or offensive content (topics, themes,
or words), a warning is required. Examples: <risque>, <adult themes>, <rude),
<political>, <ethnic>, <profane>, <sick>, <____ offensive>, <____ bashing>.

4. Posts should be shorter than 50 lines; HUMOR will not accept posts longer
than 99 lines (headers and signatures count in the total).  If you would like
to share a larger file, especially collections, please post a sample of that
file and offer to accept private requests for the complete file.

5. Requests, comments, discussion, responses, criticisms, questions should be
posted privately to original sender; not to HUMOR.

6. There is a limit of one post per person per day.  A post may contain
multiple examples of humor.

7. No personal attacks against members of the list.


*Joke*

Henry was a sprightly 88 when he married Mary Beth, who was a ripe 18.
"Tell me, sweet child, did you mother tell you the facts of life?"

Mary Beth blushed from her hairline to the tips of her toes, and shyly
murmured, "No."

"That's a great pity, because I'm afraid I've forgotten them."

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
BITNET site, address mail or commands to <[e-mail]>; all
others should use the INTERNET address <[e-mail]>. To
request special assistance, write the listowner. Humor should be
sent to HUMOR@... To control your mail send LISTSERV@... the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR
MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
if you want to receive HUMOR once a day; SET HUMOR INDEX, if you
only want to receive the DIGEST table of contents (you can download
articles separately); SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting
privileges or if you prefer to access HUMOR by downloading archived
files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to leave this list. HUMOR is archived in
3000 line logs; to get log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR
to LISTSERV@... Never reply-to DIGEST or INDEX as that reply will
be posted to HUMOR with an invalid subject line. Since all
privileges on HUMOR are private to list members, you must address
the LISTSERV from your registered address. If that address changes,
you will need to change it here--if you want automatic services
from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 12:06:00 CDT
Reply-To:     Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Key to Scientific Research Literature

A Key to Scientific Research Literature

"It has long been known that..."
  - I haven't bothered to look up the reference.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these
questions..."
  - The experiment didn't work out, but I figured I could at
    least get a publication out of it.

"The W-PO system was chosen for detailed study..."
  - The lab next door already had some prepared.

"Three samples were chosen for detailed study..."
  - The results on the others didn't make sense and were ignored.

"Accidentally strained during mounting..."
  - Dropped on the floor.

"Handled with extreme care throughout the experiment..."
  - Not dropped on the floor.

"Typical results are shown..."
  - The best results are shown, i.e. those that fit the dogma.

Agreement with predicted curve:
   "Excellent"    = fair
   "Good"         = poor
   "Satisfactory" = Doubtful
   "Fair"         = Imaginary

"Correct within an order of magnitude..."
  - Wrong.

"Of great theoretical and practical importance..."
  - Interesting to me.

"It is suggested that... it is believed that... it appears that..."
  - I think.

"It is generally believed that..."
  - A couple of other people think so too.

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones..."
  - Jones was my graduate student.

"Fascinating work..."
  - Work by a member of our group.

"Of doubtful significance..."
  - Work done by someone else.

------------------------------------------
Tim Fenske
University of Wisconsin
M.D./Ph.D. program
------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 07:40:00 EDT
Reply-To:     "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive Michael Jackson Joke

You have been warned! This joke may be offensive; but, its funny.

Have you heard about the new sandwich called the McMichael?





Yeah, its 35 year old meat between two twelve year old buns...



You were warned...

See ya,
Tom
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 10:19:00 PST
Reply-To:     JEFF BAUMAN <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JEFF BAUMAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      hunter's dilemma

Q: A hunter stands against a tree; he has a rifle, but only one bullet; from
   one side charges an angry bull; from the other, an angry lion; which does
   he shoot?



A: he shoots the lion now, and shoots the bull later

_/\_
 jb
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 13:28:00 CDT
Reply-To:     Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Subject:      football humor

The story goes that a well know midwest football program is heavily
recruiting a running back. "We just *have* to get this guy," the coach
tells the dean.  "I've never seen someone so strong and so fast.  This
guy is going to bring back the glory days."

"OK, but we need to be sure he meets our academic standards.  I'll need
to interview him first," the dean insists.

So the coach apprehensively arranges for the young prospect to meet with
the dean.  He brings the player in and he dean asks the young man "What is
the square root of 36?"  Immediately he responds "36."  The coach, jumping
out of his seat, then says "Dean, you've got to give him another chance!!"


-------------------------------
Tim Fenske
University of Wisconsin
M.D./Ph.D. program
-------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 13:35:00 MST
Reply-To:     Chris Farmer <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Chris Farmer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Not a very nice joke. (PG-13)

Knock knock.
    Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
    Little Boy Blue who?

Michael Jackson.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 15:08:54 CST
Reply-To:     "Mike D. Schomburg" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Mike D. Schomburg" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      picture puzzle! (OFFENSIVE!)

We're going to have to flex our mental muscles a bit, since I don't know how
to include dingbats in posts. OK, ok...

Visualize a series of five images, arranged in a line, going left to right.

1st image: the letter I (upper-case i)
2nd image: a heart (like a valentine)
3rd image: the phrase "ex-wife"
4th image: a tree
5th image: some musical notes

Now, imagine I am handing you a small piece of paper with these five small
pictures written on it as described above, and I say to you: what does this
mean?



(page down)















Give up?











" I Love Country Music!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 15:27:00 CDT
Reply-To:     Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Subject:      football humor, take 2

Sorry about the typos.  I deserved the barrage of sarcasm which hit
me following my football humor joke!  Some of it was actually humorous
it itself ("did you, by chance, play any contact sports?").  Next time
I won't try typing on only a few hours sleep!  Here's the corrected
version (I found 2 more typos!) if anyone cares..................

-------------------------

The story goes that a well known midwest football program is heavily
recruiting a running back. "We just *have* to get this guy," the coach
tells the dean.  "I've never seen someone so strong and so fast.  This
guy is going to bring back the glory days."

"OK, but we need to be sure he meets our academic standards.  I'll need
to interview him first," the dean insists.

So the coach apprehensively arranges for the young prospect to meet with
the dean.  He brings the player in and the dean asks the young man "What is
the square root of 36?"  Immediately he responds "6."  The coach, jumping
out of his seat, then says "Dean, you've got to give him another chance!!"


-------------------------------
Tim Fenske
University of Wisconsin
M.D./Ph.D. program
-------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 18:09:16 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Old folks and sex <an oldie>

Two old folks were setting by the fireplace in their rocking chairs
on a cold winter evening.  The fire needed tending so the old man
got up and proceeded with the task.  While bent over tending the fire
the man's ancient wife kicked him in the butt nearly knocking him into
the fire.  He continued with the job without reaction. When done he
shuffled back to his chair, took his seat and asked his wife "What was
that for?"

His wife replied "For being such a lousy lover."

After a while the fire had burned down and needed tending again.  This
time the old woman took her turn.  The situation was repeated with
the old man kicking his wife in the butt...  When she returned to her
chair she looked at her husband and asked "What was that for?"

To which he promptly replied "For knowing the difference."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 18:44:28 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      money jokes

Q: What's the difference between a dollar and a rouble ?
A: A dollar.

Q: What's the relation between a dollar, a rouble and a pound ?
A: A pound of roubles equals a dollar.

Good luck to our new friends in the countries of the former USSR. Peace!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 1994 21:26:23 -0600
Reply-To:     David Robert Aikin <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Robert Aikin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: football humor
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

On Tue, 4 Jan 1994, Tim Fenske wrote:

> The story goes that a well know midwest football program is heavily
> recruiting a running back. "We just *have* to get this guy," the coach
> tells the dean.  "I've never seen someone so strong and so fast.  This
> guy is going to bring back the glory days."
>
> "OK, but we need to be sure he meets our academic standards.  I'll need
> to interview him first," the dean insists.
>
> So the coach apprehensively arranges for the young prospect to meet with
> the dean.  He brings the player in and he dean asks the young man "What is
> the square root of 36?"  Immediately he responds "36."  The coach, jumping
> out of his seat, then says "Dean, you've got to give him another chance!!"
>

HUH???

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
       David Robert Aikin       | "Perhaps the  most valuable  result of
        [e-mail]        |  all education is  the ability to make
                                |  yourself do the thing you have to do,
   >>----------*----------<<    |  when it ought to be done, whether you
                                |  like it or not."         -T.H. Huxley
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 3 Jan 1994 15:21:25 +0300
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mo Mirzaa <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Stupid Dictator

Here is another joke about one of those middle east Gods. Well, you see
Husni Mubarak, the Egyptian president is so stupid that once upon a time
he visited a dairy product show that was held in Cairo. While touring the
place, he commented "wow what a nice cow", "excuse me Sir, it is not a
cow, it is a goat" the director of the show said to him. After a few
minutes, Mubarak said: "Wow what a nice piece of cheese". "Excuse me
Sir". The director said. "This is not cheese, it is milk". The thirs
time, Mubarak stopped and said: "Well, this is a bull, and don't you
correct me this time. I know all about bulls". "I am sorry Sir". The
director said. "But this is a mirror !"
Please let me know what you think of this kind of jokes ! Thanks.
Mo.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 11:42:43 +0300
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mo Mirzaa <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Exam jokes (clean)

1- The teacher is walking between the students during the exam when says
to one of them who seems to be in trouble: "How is it going, Tom ?
"Tom .... Tom, I remember now" The student reply !
2- One student was trying to cheat in an exam, so asks the one sitting
in fornt of him: "What is the answer to the third question ?" "It is
Jesus Christ" the other student, replied. "Jesus who ?" the first
inquired again !
Mo Mirzaa {[e-mail]}
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 08:38:50 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      letterman, etc. lists

X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists

The following list was read by Dave at "The 16th Annual Kennedy Center
Honors" on December 29, 1993.  Thanks to David Silver and Kyle Cain
for sending this list to me.

---> December 29, 1993 <---

===================================
Top Ten Things We Miss About Johnny
===================================

10. Got laughs without cheap gimmicks like top ten list
 9. Carnac more entertaining than Psychic Friends Network
 8. Always gave 110% despite backbreaking 3-day workweek
 7. The way he'd sometimes get confused and accidentally pay me alimony
 6. Did ground breaking "cut off your Slauson" jokes years before anyone
    had ever heard of Lorena Bobbitt
 5. When he's dressed as Aunt Blabby he's a really good kisser
 4. The way he'd sometimes swat Ed with a rolled newspaper whenever Ed
    belched up gin
 3. Thirty-five years on the air and he never once said "Buttafuoco"
 2. The admirable way he never switched networks just for a bigger paycheck
 1. His "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding Doc
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists

X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists

This list was read by Bob Costas on the Late Show on December 22, 1993.
Thanks to Nick Monitto and Sepi K. for sending this to me.

---> December 22, 1993 <---

===========================================
Top 10 Reasons I [Bob Costas] Stayed at NBC
===========================================

10. Love to carpool with Willard
 9. Peacock tattoo on inner thigh deemed unremovable
 8. NBC's new "don't ask, don't tell" policy
 7. Three simple words: Pro Beach Volleyball
 6. I love weasels!
 5. NBC promised to let me play Hoss in the next "Bonanza" remake
 4. I'll be anchoring Nightly News next week when that stiff Brokaw gets
    canned
 3. Promised myself I wouldn't leave until I nailed all of the Golden Girls
 2. Doesn't everyone believe loyalty is more important than money, Dave?
 1. Wait -- I stayed at NBC?  Damn!  What was I thinking?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists

---> January 3, 1993 <---

========================================
Top Ten Clinton's New Year's Resolutions
========================================

10. Prove that Domino's violated Constitution by stopping 30-minute delivery
    policy
 9. Finally tell Hillary about him and Janet Reno
 8. See if the Neptunian Galaxy Masters have any new orders for him
 7. Disband Air Force One Mile-High Club
 6. Drop Gennifer Flowers from MCI "Friends and Family" plan
 5. Call Perot in middle of night, yell "Que pasa, little man?" and hang up
 4. Gently break news to Reagan that he doesn't live in the White House
    more
 3. Change Socks' litter box daily
 2. Change Roger's litter box daily
 1. Summit with Ronald McDonald
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 08:50:55 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Disorders <amusing origins of words>

BEDLAM   Originated with the London hopital called St. Mary of Bethlehem
(ca. 1400). In old English pronunced Betleen, in middle English Bedleem
or Bethleem. Hence we now have a word which means state of wild uproar.

BERSERK   At one time the word literally meant bear shirt. Our current
meaning of frenzied attack or deranged behavior comes from a Norse
legend where one family of fighters went into battle wearing only
bearskins. At least one account reports that the berserkers were
emboldened by eating their favorite variety of mushrooms.

BROUHAHA   Possibly a distortin of the Hebrew phrase barook habbah
<blessed-the-comer, as in Blessed be he who cometh in the name of the
Lord. Ps. 118:26>. First recorded use in its modern sense of clamor
or sensational in a 16th century drama where the expression was used
as an exclamation by a character who served the devil.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 08:57:04 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Scriven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      US politics and sex inextricably divided...

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From:    P. Scriven           Tel. 2718
         R. 19.16, Rijswijk Main, EPO, The Hague, NL
         IEA:  [e-mail]
Subject: US politics and sex inextricably divided...

   Translated from English...


   A left wing student was hitch-hiking in republican territory, shortly
after the presidential elections.  A car stopped, and he ran up hopefully.
   "Who'dya vote for?" Asked the driver.
   "Clinton," he replied.
   The car sped off.
   A while later, a second car stops.  "Who'dya vote for?"
   "Clinton."
   The car speeds off.
   After this has happened a dozen or so time (he's very quick on the uptake,
our student), he decides to change his approach, so when a car stops, driven
by a rather attractive young woman (fill in your own description), he said
"Bush!"  She lets him in and they drive off.  Now she happened to be
wearing a very short skirt, which rides higher up her legs as she drives.
Our student (whose sex drive is way ahead of his hitch-hiking skills) finds
this quite arousing.
   He watches for a while, then says "Bloody hell [not translated from
English!], I've only been a republican for threed minutes, and I already
feel like screwing someone!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 10:12:23 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Philosopher's drinking song <rude words>

                 Bruce's Philosophers Drinking Song
                by Eric Idle (of Monty Python Troupe)


              Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
              Who was very rarely stable,

              Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
              who could think you under the table,

              David Hume could out-consume
              Wilhelm Freidrick Hegel.

              And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
              Who was just as schloshed as Schegel.

              There's nothing Neitzche couldn't teach ya
              'Bout the raising of the wrist,
              Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

              John Stuart Mill of his own free will,
              on a half a pint of shandy was particulary ill.

              Plato, they say, could put it away,
              Half a create of wiskey everyday.

              Aristotle, Airstotle was a bugger
              for the bottle.
              Hobbes was fond of his dram,

              And Rene Descarte was a drunken fart,
              "I drink, therefore I am."'

              Yes, Socrates, himself, is
              particularly missed,
              a lovely little thinker,
              But a bugger when he's pissed.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 10:40:06 -0500
Reply-To:     Richard Tkachuck <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Richard Tkachuck <[e-mail]>

I took the road less traveled,
   and got mugged.


Richard Tkachuck               AskERIC Coordinator
AskERIC:  ERIC Clearinghouse,  030 Huntington Hall
Syracuse University, Syracuse, NY 13210
Phone:  [phone]           FAX [phone]
email:  [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 08:34:08 PT
Reply-To:     Dave Collins <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     CO1      PSDBC    01/05/94 08:34:29 SMTP
From:         Dave Collins <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to lambs, lions, circus trainers, circus patrons

Carnival patron: That's the most amzing act I've ever seen; a lion and a
sheep performing together. Do they always get along so well?

Trainer: They argue now and then, but we don' let it bother us. We just
buy a new sheep.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 10:36:49 MST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyers (PG)

Q:  What do lawyers and sperm have in common?


A:  They both have a one-in-a-million shot at
    becoming a human being.

+========================+=====================================+
| Phil Corless           | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU              |
| Boise State University | Internet: [e-mail]  |
+========================+=====================================+
|        "Men don't care what's on TV.  They only care         |
|         what else is on TV."    - Jerry Seinfeld             |
+==============================================================+
|                    16 months 'til G-Day!                     |
+==============================================================+
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 17:43:45 GMT
Reply-To:     Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sperm (X)

Q:  What do lawyers and sperm have in common?



A: Sperm don't leave quite such a bad taste in your mouth.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 16:21:40 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bra sale and stupid remark--clean

Greetings,
        I work in the post office at Drew University and I'm working
on looking up addresses for mail with incomplete info.  Anyway, I have
before me a postcard from Victoria's Secret stating:


                          VERY SPECIAL OFFER!

                    BRAS AND PANTIES --- HALF OFF!!

I wonder if they have live models.......  >;)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

On an unrelated subject--one for the books of stupid remarks.  In the
Wall Street Journal today was a story telling of how criminals are
using self-storage units to store dead bodies, toxic waste, and other
such undesirable items.  When asked about this, the president of one
self-storage related (paraphrase) the actual amount of criminal
activity was small.  (Now quote)  "The problems we've had you could
probably describe on one hand, or less than two.)!
                     ^^^^^^^^  ^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
        Last time I checked, and correct me if I'm wrong, 1 qualified
as less than two!!  Things that make you go--------DUH!!!!!!!

--Mike
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 16:35:37 -0500
Reply-To:     Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      1 joke + plea

This young guy comes into the office/wagon of the circus master:  "I can
climb up the center pole and dive off into space, NO NET, land on my head in
center ring, and jump up and take a bow.  How 'bout them apples?
--"How much are you asking for this spectacle?" asks the circus master.
--"Just 200 bucks a show," says the young guy.
--"I don't know.  I'll have to see it first," says the circus master.

The acrobat climbs up, dives off, lands on his head, and jumps up and
waves, although a bit wobbly.
--"OK, for 200 bucks a shot, it's a deal," says the circus master.
--"Oh, no!  Not 200!  500!"  says the acrobat.
--"What?  You said 200!"
--"I know I said 200, but that was before I tried it!"

PLEA-
I've lost my own copy of my JUST SO story about how the angel came to be
on the top of the Christmas tree.  Will you please forward me a copy for
my files?  --Just so that I don't have too many responses, please allow
colleagues from states that border the Atlantic to respond.  If I don't get a
copy, I'll  expand geographically.  Thanks.

[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 17:53:12 -0600
Reply-To:     NAME <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:      BRAS - CLEAN, SORTA

That Victoria's secret post reminded me of a shopping trip I made with my
daughter several years ago.  We were looking at bras for preteens, but we
had younger brother along, age about 5.  We three females were looking at
goods on one side of the room while brother sat, crawled, fussed, and did
all the things little boys do when they are bored.  Suddenly, loud and clear
as only a small voice can be when it shouldn't, brother called to us from the
display of padded bras.  "Hey look at these!  What a bargain!  They come
with the tits already in them.!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 16:51:02 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.A     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 5 Sep 88

----------------------------------------------------

I liked Letterman's "USA Today Poll" --- 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of
the population.

----------------------------------------------------

"Honey, there's a salesman at the door with a mustache!"
"Tell him I've already got one."

----------------------------------------------------

With all the anti-drug messages on television lately, I was quite surprised
to hear the announcer's comments during the Wimbelton (sp?) match this past
weekend:

... With all the heat this weekend it is going to be a rough match, but
   <tennis player's name here> should have an advantage, he plays better
    on grass.

----------------------------------------------------

In a related story, Yuppies from all over the country are sending in
their Perrier brand water to the nation's farming belt to help fight
the drought. Farmers appreciate the bottled water effort, but noted one
side effect.  Last week, several cows in one man's stockyard had the
urge to steal a BMW and drive recklessly across Nebraska.

RENEGADE NEWS -- The News We Twist To Fit {tm}
06/16/88

----------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 21:18:51 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Boring sex <rude>

This is an article which was brought to my attention:

From:         [e-mail] (Dianne Hackborn)
Subject:      Heteronazis, Homonazis, Boredom.
Organization: Buried on the floor somewhere.

I am *definately* a boring person, and after paging through at LEAST one
non-boring article per week on alt.sex.boredom for the last month, I've
finally decided that something needs to be done.

I would like to propose that alt.sex.boredom be reorganized into:

  alt.sex.boredom.fag
  alt.sex.boredom.dyke
  alt.sex.boredom.undecided
  alt.sex.boredom.not-really

Leaving alt.sex.boredom for us *truely* boring people.

Now I know, just by being an unexciting person proposing this, that I
am going to get flamed by all those exciting gays (and even the occasional
exciting straight).  But before you start SCREAMING "EXCITINGIST" (or wait,
is that supposed to be BORINGIST?!?), I just want all of you exciting
people to know that you are FILTHY DISGUSTING PERVERTS WHO ARE GOING TO
BRING ABOUT THE DEMISE OF THE NET!!!  So nya nya nya, flamed you first!

Exciting people make up, what, between 1% (if you sample from Rush Limbaugh
viewers) and 5% (if you include the alt.sex.wanted posters, though this is
more people who *think* they're exciting, rather than actually truely being
exciting) of the population.  Most exciting people are about as welcomed by
the majority of Americans as discussions on the sexual practices of Ronald
Reagan.  Yet, the alt.sex.ron-n-monkeys people are courteous enough to not
even *have* a group, so we can't even accidentally trip over their
slimey disgusting posts!

In fact, newspapers, personal adds, magazines, even *lawyers* are broken up
by subject, and you don't see any of THEM complaining about this!  In fact,
MOST of LIFE is segregated - we even have bathroom.men and bathroom.women,
and no-one is yelling "sexism"!!  (Don't worry, I'll propose
bathroom.men.fag and bathroom.womyn.dyke next week.)

Let one boring person complain about being tired of wading through the slew
of articles that could not potentially keep things boring, and the excrement
crowd SCREAM!  Whoops, I mean, SCREAMS!  Why?  You know you are a minority.
You know most of mainstream society would rather be watching The 700 Club.
So why do you insist on forcing your disgusting excitement on us??
Whhhyyyyyy?!?!?  You make me sooooooo maaaaaaadd!!!  MOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!

Can't you see, putting your exciting posts right in front of us, in our
little newsgroup, is like putting an erotic rape story on talk.rape?!?
Isn't that just an incredibly *subtle* comparison???  See!  I'm NOT an
excitingist, or boringphobe, or whateverthehell that is, I'm just a
*caring* and *loving* person, who doesn't want to see the poor innocents on
alt.sex.boredom to continue to be HARASSED by digusting perverted trash
about exciting things.

This has been crossposted to increase the chance of arguments arising
because people are posting based from perspectives of different newsgroups.

Follow-ups to alt.sex.boredom.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 5 Jan 1994 22:03:10 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Otto <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Politics & Ethnic

A guy walks into a hotel. The woman at the desk says -
"Excuse me sir, don't take offense, but you look exactly like
Adolf Hitler!"
He says - "Yes! I am Adolf Hitler! I have returned to kill 6 million Jews and
12 NFL quarterbacks!"
She says - "But, but, why 12 NFL quarterbacks?"
He says - "You SEE, you SEE, no one cares about the Jews!"

With apologies to our Jewish friends :).
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 07:20:39 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Scriven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sex & v. sick

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From:    P. Scriven           Tel. 2718
         R. 19.16, Rijswijk Main, EPO, The Hague, NL
         IEA:  [e-mail]
Subject: Sex & v. sick

   A young man was driving along in his van, and spotted an attractive
woman, hitch-hiking.  He stopped to pick her up.  It is beyond me, how such
things come about, but they ended up in the back of the van.
   "Have you got a whip?" Asked the woman.  He had not.  "Haven't you got
anything you could use instead?"  He thought for a while, went outside, and
fetched the radio aerial.  This proved quite adequate, and the had a good
time.
   A couple of weeks later, the man developed an nasty rash around his
genitals.  After scratching for a while, he eventually went to his doctor,
who examined him, but was at a loss to account for it.  "Haven't you done
anything, recently, which could have caused it?" He asked, whereupon, our
hero told him, with some embarrassment, about his adventure with the
hitch-hiker.
   "In that case," said the doctor, "it's perfectly clear you have a nasty
dose of van aerial disease!"



                       ************************

         Q:  What is  red, screams, and can't turn around in corridors?

         A:  A baby with a javelin through its head.

         Well, I did say it was sick.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 12:48:36 +0000
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Doyle <[e-mail]>
Organization: University College Dublin
Subject:      Sex Education

Two young Irish maidens are walking home from school after their
first ever Sex Education lesson.

Patricia:   Attracta, are you a virgin.

Attracta:   Oh no. Not yet!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 10:01:17 -0400
Reply-To:     "Why use a big, long word,
              when a diminutive one will do?" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A conversation between an Rabbi and a Priest....

        A rabbi and a priest were talking shop.
        The priest began, "If I am successful, preach excellent sermons,
and please my superiors, eventually I may become a Bishop."
        "That's very nice," said the rabbi.
        "And then," the priest continued, "if all goes well, within a few
more years, I can become a Cardinal."
        "I'm glad you have so many opportunities for advancement," said
the rabbi.
        "It's highly unlikely," said the priest, "but, at least theoretically,
I could even become pope."
        "Mazeltov," said the rabbi, "but for me, as a Rabbi, I just stay a
Rabbi.  That's what there is.  But I suppose that after being pope you could
even become God."
        "Oh no," said the priest, "no one can become God, that's blasphemous."
        Replied the rabbi:  "Well, one of our boys made it."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 12:57:27 -0500
Reply-To:     "YEAH, WELL..." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "YEAH, WELL..." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      BRAS...

a friend just told me this, so i hope y'all like it...



                What's the German word for bra?




                        Keeptwofromfloppin

          (this has to be read kinda fast) ;)

**********************************************************
*  Dan Willman             *  [e-mail]         *
*  Hobart College          *  [phone]              *
*  Geneva, NY 14456        *                             *
**********************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 13:08:19 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David D'Abrosca <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another German joke

What do you call a German who is constipated (sp?)?




                    Farfrompoopin
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 18:14:00 -0600
Reply-To:     LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Blondes' revenge

Why are all blonde jokes one liners?















So that men can understand them!


Laurie Roach
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 21:21:26 SFR
Reply-To:     Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Blondes' revenge

Why are all jokes about man longer than one line ?




























So that blondes could understand them :-)

 Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 14:40:36 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeremiah K. OShea" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Blondes' revenge

--- Laurie Roach wrote:
Why are all blonde jokes one liners?
--- end of quoted material ---
So the blondes won't get confused.

---Sven Friberg wrote:
Why are all jokes about man longer than one line?
---end of quoted material ---
Cuz we're sooo wonderful

(tongue in cheek today. . .)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 14:40:40 -0500
Reply-To:     Jim Muncy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Muncy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Food for thought

Dog 1: I ate the dictionary today.

Dog 2: How did your master take it?

Dog 1: She didn't like it.

Dog 2: How do you know?

Dog 1: She took the words right out of my mouth.

------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the dark street?

One of them was a salted.

------------------------------------------------------------

Two tomatos were out for a walk with their little tomato.  The little
tomato kept lagging behind.  Eventually, in total frustration, the
mommy tomato walked back to the baby tomato, steped on her, squashing
her all over the sidewalk.  As she was steeping on the baby tomato, the
father yelled "catch up."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 14:32:25 -0500
Reply-To:     Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Blondes' revenge (fwd)

1.
>>Why are all blonde jokes one-liners?
>>So that men can understand them!

Why do blondes always tell the same joke over and over?
        .
        .
        .
        .
        .
Because it's the only one they can understand!

=========
2.
The question on the sociology exam was:  "Has the criminal population
increased or decreased and why?" --After deep thought, the student wrote:
"The criminal population has DECREASED, because after Cain killed Abel,
33.33% of the population had committed a murder."

3.
This true story:  A criminal justice professor here was explaining
collection of evidence in a rape case:  "The absence of semen does not
always preclude penetration."

A young co-ed asked, "Excuse me, professor, but what is semen?" The prof
was taken aback but persisted with an explanation: "Semen is the white
fluid that accompanies ejaculation."

"Oh," she said, "you mean cum!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 15:14:00 EST
Reply-To:     "SWARTZ.RODNEY" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "SWARTZ.RODNEY" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Food for Thought

A couple of potato chips visit a bar prior to taking in a movie at the local
cineplex.  They sit at the bar, having cocktails and conversing.  All the
while, a rather slutty looking pretzel at the end of the bar is eying up the
male potato chip, making him more than just a bit nervous.  When his date
excuses herself to the powder room, the pretzel saunters over to him, shakin'
it for all its worth.  She saddles up next to him and says, "So, are you
Herr's, or are you Frito Lay?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 21:48:27 SFR
Reply-To:     Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Drunk

 There are three levels of drunkness:

 1. A man sits on the back seat of cab
    and when the driver asks "Where to ?"
    he answers "That's not your business !"

 2. A man walks to cab from one side and
    right away out of other. Then he asks
    the driver, "How much ?"
 3. A man is sitting on the back seat of cab
    and asks "Where can I put brandy and
    cakes ?" and when driver answers
    "To the back-sill", he just "<oogh..>"

 Just heard it. Sorry if my english is a
 little "out of hand".

 Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 22:04:22 SFR
Reply-To:     Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Blonde :-)

Don't know have you heard it before, but here
it goes...

 Man is in date with blonde. She has to
 go to ladies room and man waits her by
 enterance. Suddenly he can hear how the
 blonde counts: one, two, three, four, ... ... ...
 Help ! A hundred-legged !

 As you can see, even my lowsy english
 can write a blonde joke that is longer
 than one line :-)

 Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 16:55:38 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Prodigal son

Tom Deahl told me this one:

   Q:  Who was the least pleased to hear of the return of the prodigal
       son?

   A:  The fatted calf.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 16:59:00 CDT
Reply-To:     Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Subject:      med school quotes

Medical School Quotes I

These are actual quotes that I heard first-hand last semester.  I thought
it might be humorous for you to hear a glimpse of the future (and teachers)
of medicine.


"The way I see it, I don't know anything."  -med. student

"It's a powerful thing, vomiting."  -med. student

"I sound like I know what I'm talking about, but I don't."
     - pharmacology professor

"If I was a woman ...."  -female med. student

"There are no wrong answers."  -oncology professor

"I wouldn't mind an open book test."  -med. student

"I have a feeling that if you know this tomorrow [during the exam]
you'll be 8 points smarter than you are right now."  -hematology professor

"I really do think, though, that people who think they're normal have
really big problems."  -med. student

"You've got to see our compost pile.  It's amazing, man."  -med. student

And one oldie but goody (which I did not hear first hand!):
    "A finger in the mouth and a finger in the rectum makes a good physician."
       - Sir William Osler (famous 19th century physician)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 18:17:35 -0400
Reply-To:     Orlando Doc Griego <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Orlando Doc Griego <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Signs & Notices Pt. 4 (clean)

These are actual signs and notices from around the world written in English:

1.  From the Soviet Weekly:
        There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic
        painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two years.

2.  In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
        Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

3.  In a Bangkok temple:
        It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

4.  Advertising for donkey rides in Thailand:
        Would you like to ride on your own ass?

5.  Outside a Paris dress shop:
        Dresses for street walking.

6.  In an Acapulco hotel:
        The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

7.  In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
        Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Orlando "Doc" Griego
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 20:53:39 -0500
Reply-To:     "SSgt Scott C. McClaren" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "SSgt Scott C. McClaren" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Presidential humor (PG-13)

It seems that Bill & Hillary were invited to a masquerade party. While
they were in the bedroom, Hillary picked up a lemon and placed it
between her legs.  Immediately, Bill picked up a potato and put it
between his legs.  Hillary said, "Bill, you can't go like that".
"Hell I can't," he replied, "if you can go as a sour puss, I can go as
a dictator" (get it....dick tater).....
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 00:41:11 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Homeless joke <rich and selfish people may be offended :-)>

A homeless man spotted an elegantly dressed, kind-looking woman walking toward
him on the street. Though begging had been anathema to him, his circumstances
were desperate enough for him to reconsider.

"Excuse me, madam," he said as she drew close, "I haven't eaten a thing in six
days."

"My word," she said as she swished through the Bloomingdale's front door, "I
wish I had your willpower."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 21:54:33 -0800
Reply-To:     "NADAV 415-666-2973 NOLI BOVEM HABERE,
              VIR" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "NADAV 415-666-2973 NOLI BOVEM HABERE,
              VIR" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      flat Cat and a Quote (clean)

This is a visual joke

A man is driving down the street when suddenly he runs over a cat.
He stops the car and starts looking for the owner of the cat.
He knocks on the door of the nearest house and a woman answers
M: Excuse me, but do you have a cat?
W: Yes I do
M: Well, I just ran over a cat and I was wondering if it was yours?
W: Oh no, What did the cat look like?
M: Well, He looked like this:
   (hold your body like your a squashed cat)
W: No, You idiot, what did he look like before you ran him over?
M: Oh, he looked like this:
 (hold your hands up like someone said "it's a stickup", open your mouth wide
 and pretend you see a steam roller approaching)

and a quote:
        If you hit a man on the head with a fish,
        He'll have a headache for a day.
        but if you teach him how to hit himself over the head with a fish,
        He'll have a headache for the rest of his life.

        Thank you Bill for this wonderful list
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 6 Jan 1994 23:52:07 -0700
Reply-To:     Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Subject:      tasteless, homeless, poor

Kill two birds with one stone:  Feed the homeless to the poor.

Doug Brunelle        -- This space                [e-mail]
10412 N. 73rd Ave.          intentionally              voice:
Peoria, AZ 85345                left blank --      [phone]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 04:25:36 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Scriven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rabbits & Hares.

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

*** Resending note of 07/01/94 10:25
From:    P. Scriven           Tel. 2718
To: INERNET --IBMAIL

From:    P. Scriven           Tel. 2718
         R. 19.16, Rijswijk Main, EPO, The Hague, NL
         IEA:  [e-mail]
Subject: Rabbits & Hares.

   One rabbit to another:  "I washed my thing this morning, and I can't
do a hare with it..."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 10:24:53 +0000
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         P S Gupta <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sore throat ! (Clean)

         This was during my college days. It was quite late at night and I
         was preparing to go to bed in my room. It was then that I realised
         that my sore throat had worsened. Infact I had almost lost my
         voice - it had become quite husky. My classmate suggested that I
         go and see the doctor at home as the college medical centre would
         be closed at this hour. I liked the idea and went down to the
         doctor's house. I rang the bell and the door was opened by his
         wife. I asked, obviously in my husky voice, "Is the doctor home
         ?". To which the wife replied, and in a HUSKY voice "No .... come
         in, come in...."

         - Pankaj  ([e-mail])
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 09:19:40 EST
Reply-To:     Tiffany Martin <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tiffany Martin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (fwd) Notre Dame #2 in BOTH polls

Sorry If anyone has already heard this one:


Found in an article in the Chicago Tribune today.....



What do you call 11 Notre Dame fans in a basement?


A whine cellar
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 09:21:47 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dale Schroyer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Punny Joke

There once was a south seas chieftan that decieded that he was much more
important than his current living area showed. So he ordered that royal
architects to design and new palace hut and he ordered the royal artists to
design him a new throne. Just before the new palace hut is finished the artists
came to him and asked him where he wanted to old throne kept. The chieftan told
them just to put wherever there was space so they put it in the attic of the new
palace hut. On the first day in the new palace hut the chieftan is sitting on
his new throne holding his first audience when the old throne bursts through the
roof, falls on the chieftan and kills him. The moral of the story is:

        PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T STOW THRONES.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 09:30:48 EST
Reply-To:     Cindy Bannister <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Cindy Bannister <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Possible Internet Credit Card Scam

Forwarded message:
> From: Susan C. Bredesen  <[e-mail]>
> Well, folks, I received the attached on GO4LIB-L. I have no idea how true
> it is. But, I am cross-posting it to TIPSHEET, TECHNET, HELP-NET.
> Susan
> -----
> **************** START ATTACHED MSG ****************************************
> Date:    Wed, 5 Jan 1994 16:31:27 CST
> From:    Vianne Tang <[e-mail]>
> Forwarded mail received from: LAW:SURG:OUT:psi.wilmer.com:JOGrady
> This warning is cross-posted to AUTOCAT, PACS-L, NETTRAIN, and
> GO4LIB-L.  Please be aware of this issue and pass out the words
> to the individuals who are interested in this association.
> ------------------------------
>   Below is a message I received through a listserver (via my
>   American Online Account):
>   From: Scott A. Ward 703-614-4719 <[e-mail]>
>
>   A company calling itself the International Internet
>   Association, and billing itself as "the largest non-profit
>   provider of free Internet access in theworld" has started
>   advertizing in the Washington, D.C. area, and offering free
>   Internet accounts to individuals who will FAX them, among other
>   things, a credit card number.  As an active member of the
>   Member Council of the National Capital Area Public Access
>   Network (CapAccess), I wanted to find more about
>   this organization that supposedly has offices NOT THREE BLOCKS
>   FROM CAPACCESS.
>
>   Here's the result of my search for the IIA.
>
>   1.  Their address, listed as "Suite 852 - 202 Pennsylvania Ave,
>   N.W. Washington
>   D.C. 20006", is actually a post office box at Mailboxes, Etc.
>
>   2.  The company lists no incorporation, trademark or
>   service-mark licenses.
>
>   3.  They claim your E-mail address would be <userid>@iia.org.
>   However:
>         a.  No iia.org is listed in the hq.af.mil hosts table
>         b.  No iia.org is listed in the acq.osd.mil hosts table
>         c.  No iia.org is listed is the INTERNIC 'whois' database
>         d.  No iia.org is listed using the INTERNIC 'netfind'
>   Internet lookup
>   In other words, IIA.ORG does NOT, at this time, exist.
>
>   4.  Although they apologize profusely in the application, they
>   state that "Without receiving a credit card number, the IIA
>   _cannot_ process an account."
>
>   5.  Although I have left a message on their voice-mail system,
>   I have received no response from them.  (they also apologize in
>   the voice mail that, due to demand, they are operating at a
>   3-week backlog for applications.)
>
>   I cannot judge an organization in advance.  However, I do think
>   it highly suspicious that, to use their propaganda, "The
>   International Internet Association is able to make this service
>   available through generous private donations, and the
>   extraordinary dedication of its membership."  I can say that
>   I am not convinced this organization exists, and highly
>   discourage any Internet user from sending information until you
>   make certain that the IIA is real.
>
>   Scott Ward                        [phone]
>   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>   Vice-Chair, Public Relations      Volunteer Service Manager
>   (VSM)
>   National Capital Area Public      CapAccess Community Center
>   Access Network (CapAccess)        [e-mail]
>   [e-mail]                 "go community"
> ------------------------------
> **************** END ATTACHED MSG ****************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 09:33:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      art contest (slightly off-color, but hilarious)

--Boundary (ID dP+Py3HMoyBpKJr5JpmZyA)
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN


--Boundary (ID dP+Py3HMoyBpKJr5JpmZyA)
Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822

Date: Fri, 7 Jan 1994 01:37:00 EST
Subject: Art Contest (fwd)
Sender: "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
To: kenneds <[e-mail]>
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
Posting-date: Fri, 7 Jan 1994 00:00:00 EST
Importance: normal
A1-type: MAIL




---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 23:26:28 -0500
To: Multiple recipients of list UUS-L <[e-mail]>
Subject: Art Contest

FROM ANOTHER LIST::::::::::::

--------FORWARDED MESSAGE-------------

Date: Wednesday, January 05, 1994 4:20PM

Thought y'all might enjoy this.  It _is_ a real contest, but
this is all the information I have.  I do not know if the
prize is anything beyond having your entry published.

>From Southern Voice Newspaper:

State Rep. Doug Teper has introduced legislation which would require
the Georgia laws against fornication, adultery, and sodomy to be
posted in hotel rooms.  For those who don't comprende English, Teper
HAS CALLED FOR "INTERNATIONAL SYMBOLS" DESCRIBING THESE
activities.  Get out your drafting tools [or CAD package], let your
imagination run wild, and send us the results.  We'll publish
the winning entry.

Southern Voice
1189 Virginia Ave, NE
Atlanta, GA  30306
**********************************


--Boundary (ID dP+Py3HMoyBpKJr5JpmZyA)--
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 14:31:22 +0000
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sean Boy <[e-mail]>
Organization: University College Dublin
Subject:      Brothel - Vulgar offensive to signs

This man was walking around the red light district of Amsterdam. He
was feelng a bit randy, so he decided to enter the first brothel he
could find, for a bit of "relief".
However he only had 5 pounds/dollars/krona (delete as applicable)
with him. He explained his predicament to the lady of the house. Not
wanting to dissapoint the customer, she offered him the service of a
prostitute who had passed away the previous day. The man accepted.
After taking his clothes off and beginning to do his stuff, he
noticed that he could no longer move his "love truncheon". This was
due to the fact the rigamortis (sp?) had set in to the prostitute.
After trying and failing to free himself in a number of ways, he came
up with a brainstorm. He decided to run towards the window, and then
stop suddenly, which he hoped would remove the girl from him.
However, as he tried to stop at the window, the combined weight of
the two people made him loose his balance, and he and the dead
prostitute fell to the street below. The man was killed instantly.

A man passing by, saw the two bodies on the ground. He went up to the
door and rang the bell. "Is this a brothel", he enquired.
"Yes", replied the woman, "How did you know ?".
"Your sign has fallen down outside", he replied.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 16:33:16 SFR
Reply-To:     Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Old jokes

  Lawyer said to his doctor friend:  "My friends and acquaintances are
 very thrifty: every time I go to a party they ask me for speciality
 advice. I bet you have the same problem ?"
  "No, not at all. If someone asks, I just tell him "Undress, please."".

  Anonymous politic told to his friend: "They offered me 5000 $ for
 retireing. What should I do ?"
  "Ask for more ! They will probrably agree."

  Smith told about his journey to Africa.
 "There I am, hunting. Suddenly I see a lion. 4 metres long, 2.5 metres
 wide..."
 "Don't exaggerate so much", a friend whispered. "No one will believe
 you anyway..."
 "... and 30 centimetres high!"

  After first act, audience started hooting. Before the beggining of
 second act, producer came out and warned: "If you do that again, we'll
 repeat the first act!"

  Man came to his room in a hotel. Six men were sitting there, drinking
 vodka. He tried everything to get those men out of his room. No progress.
 Then he went to canteen, and ordered six teas to his room after few
 minutes. After that he went back to his room, took plug out of wall
 (probrably 220 V, 50 Hz :-) and said to it: "Captain, six teas! "
 Men watched him with suprise. After while a maid came in and brought
 six teas. Men watched that withs tall and they leaved.
 "That was a good one", laughed the maid, "Captain is still laughing! "

  Finns were felling wood, and in night they discovered, that two man
 were missing. They searched and searched - nothing.
  Next day, big crowd went to wood and they found those two man. They
 stand and held up a tree that would have othervize fallen on them.
 "Why did'nt you yell for help? "
 "We could'nt, the border is near."


------------------------------------------------------------------
-  #####   #####  #####     Sven Friberg  < [e-mail] > -
-  # ----- # ---- # --# -   Tallinn Technology High School       -
-  #####   ###    ##### -   Group id's : agroup wizard           -
-    --#-- # ---  # #----   ETTEK-Unix gang i Night Hacker       -
-  ##### - # -    # - #     Unix Wizard, MSDOS compatible        -
-    -----   -      -   -   Copyright Copyleft                   -
- Tallinn, Estonia.                                       Sven F -
------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 12:55:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: med school quotes (just a bit risque)

>And one oldie but goody (which I did not hear first hand!):
>    "A finger in the mouth and a finger in the rectum makes a good
physician."
>       - Sir William Osler (famous 19th century physician)

this one, in particular reminded me of another oldie but goodie:

what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?











the taste!  :)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 13:07:58 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Old lawyer jokes and an historical theatrical story

I came across these on an anonymous telnet connection to U.Minnesota
(what an amazing amount of fantasy games, jokes, trivia etc. those
hardcore-academic beavers have managed to install on their system!).

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
   lawyer?
A. The skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What's the difference between a heap of dead lawyers and a heap of
   dog shit in a bucket?
A. The bucket.

Dr.Frankenstein sent his playful assistant Igor to the local brain store
to pick up a few pounds of brains, with the request that the brains be
taken from someone with a professional background. At the store Igor
could see a pretty fair selection: Engineers' brains $3/lb, Doctors' (MD)
brains $5/lb, Teachers' brains $8/lb and Lawyers' brains $450/lb. "What!"
exclaimed Igor. "Why the big rip-off for lawyers' brains?"
"Ah," the shopkeeper explained, "have you any idea how many lawyers we
have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

The following was included in the back of a program at a production in
S.F. It describes a run of Leo Tolstoy's 'Redemption' with John
Barrymore, who apparently did not suffer unruly audiences passively.
>During one performance he was irritated by bronchial attacks from several
>quarters of the auditorium. In the intermission, Barrymore dispatched a
>stagehand to buy a fairly large sea bass, which the actor concealed under
>his coat as he went on for the second act. As soon as he heard a burst of
>coughing, Barrymore whipped out the fish and flung it at the audience in
>front. "There," he boomed. "Busy youselves with that, you damned walruses,
>while we proceed with the play!"

How come _I_ never see things like that at the theatre?

Jeff F.         The key point is to avoid becoming prey for the crows that
                feed on the road-kill on the information superhighway.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 15:10:59 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mars joke <Irish and science sensitivities>

Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Mars
From: [e-mail] (John Girash)
Date: 6 Sep 93 16:59:15 GMT

[e-mail] writes:
>  It seems there are quite a few people on the Net who are asking
>questions about Mars.  To understand people on other planets it is
>a good idea to understand dimensions.  The best place to understand
>dimensions is your old friend the Leprechaun in which you all believe.
        [seminar on Leprechaun-human interaction deleted]

Well, JW, I read this rest of your post, and informative as it may have
been, you never once mentioned what the connection between Leprechauns and
dimensions was!  Perhaps what you actually meant to talk about was the
particle family called the lepretons, which along with the hadretons form
the hypersymmetric extension of the standard model.  Of course, the hadretons
exist in complex dimensions and only interact with the "normal" dimensions
by reducing the solar neutrino flux (converting them to neutreptalinotons).
The lepretons' only effect upon the "physical" universe is to change the
chromaticity of various amorphous viscous substances on an annual basis.
The most common example of this is green beer.

Source: -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet --

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
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MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
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from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 15:22:36 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jonni Burnham <[e-mail]>
Subject:      clean lawyer jokes, offensive to lawyers (?)

Three men are deep sea fishing when the boat begins to sink.  While they
can see the shore, their efforts to attract attention and assistance are
fruitless and they decide someone must swim for help.  Of course, the
waters are infested with sharks who, sensing imminent lunch, have been
patiently circling the vessel.  One man explains that he has a large family
and little insurance.  Another explains that he can't swim, and so it would
be quite pointless to volunteer.  The third, a lawyer naturally, says in
disgust, "fine, I can't swim either, but I'll go."  He jumps off the boat, and to
the family man's surprise, the sharks rally around and gently push the
man to shore.  He asks the other passenger, "I've never heard of anything
like that, why do you suppose the sharks helped him?"  The other
passenger explains, "professional courtesy."

Variation on a theme:  How can you tell a dead snake in the road from a
dead lawyer in the road?  There's only one set of tire tracks across the
snake.

What's wrong with this picture?  A room full of lawyers up to their necks
in sand.  Answer: more sand.

My favorite law firm:  Dewy, Cheetham and Howe.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 15:24:54 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Memory problem <elderly will love or hate this one>

Two elderly couples were eating lunch together. Larry turn to Bart, "My memory
was getting so bad, I finally enrolled in a memory course. It helped a lot."

"That's a great idea," said Bart. Mine could use some improvement, too. What's
the name of the course you took."

"It's called ... er ... it's ... ah, ah ..." Larry began, "Oh, hell, what do
you call that long-stemmed flower that has thorns?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah, that's it," answered Larry. "Rose, what was the name of the course I
took."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 15:39:34 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PC fairy tale (may be offensive to extreme left-wingers)

Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale
  by Jim Garner  (originally appeared in "Comic Relief"  April, 1993)

     There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived
with her mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her mother
asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her
grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work, mind you,
but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of
community.  Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather
was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of
taking care of herself as a mature adult.
     So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the
woods.  Many people she knew believed that the forest was a
foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it.  Red
Riding Hood, however, was confident in her own budding sexuality
that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
     On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by
a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.  She replied, "Some
healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of
taking care of herself as a mature adult."  The Wolf said, "You
know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through
these woods alone."   Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist
remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of
your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of
which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview.
Now, if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way."
     Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But, because
his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to
linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to
Grandma's house.  He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an
entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was
masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and crawled
into bed.
     Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have
brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your
role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."  From the bed, the Wolf
said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."  Red
Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as
a bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
     "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
     "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of
course, and certainly attractive in its own way."
     "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
     "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
     The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and
leaped out of bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent
on devouring her.  Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at
the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of
his willful invasion of her personal space.
     Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or
log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he burst
into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as
he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
     "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words
came to him.  "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your
weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said.  "Sexist!
Speciesist!  How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve
their own problems without a man's help!"
     When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of
the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his
head off.  After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the
Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose.  They decided to set up
an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation,
and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 16:45:57 EST
Reply-To:     ANN SMITH <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         ANN SMITH <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Male joke

 A variation of the "light bulb" joke, if you will:

 How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?

 I don't know either: it hasn't been done yet.

                                      Happy Friday!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 13:54:04 PST
Reply-To:     "Hazem N. Nashif" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Hazem N. Nashif" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      toilet seat

> A variation of the "light bulb" joke, if you will:
>
> How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
>
> I don't know either: it hasn't been done yet.
>
>                                      Happy Friday!

How many women does it take to put down a toilet seat?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 16:27:20 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawfirm

And then there was the lawfirm with an Asian partner:
"Soo, Grabbitt & Runne"

(I know, just a short 2nd post today. Sorry)

Jeff F.         Keep dodging those crows.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 14:01:40 PST
Reply-To:     T Cox <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         T Cox <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to women

How many women does it take to raise a toilet seat?  All of them because they
never thought of it!

Sorry, I couldnt resist.  But shouldn't coutesy work both ways.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 18:08:26 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Penis song <crudeness alert>

The Penis Song by Eric Idle (from the Monty Python Troupe)


Intro:      Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen.
            Here's a liitle number I tossed off
            recently in the Caribbean.



            Isn't it nice to have a penis,
            Isn't frightfully good to have a dong?

            It's swell to have a stiffy,
            It's Devine to own a dick,

            From the smallest little tadger,
            To the world's biggest Prick.

            So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
            Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.

            Your piece of pork,
            Your wives best friend,
            Your Percy or your cock.

            You can wrap it up in ribbons,
            You can put it in your sock.

            But don't take it out in public,
            They will stick you in the dock,
            And you won't come back.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 15:52:00 PST
Reply-To:     Cox Terry 5741 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Cox Terry 5741 <[e-mail]>

"WOMEN CHOPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBANDS PENIS, THEN DROPS IT FROM MOVING CAR!"

Don't laugh, its true and it could happen to you!!!

Right now thousands of agitated irate women have read that headline and are
contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted
sexual advance, look at them the wrong way , or just piss them off in
general.

               Men, protect yourselves now!!!

If you found yourself a victim of CDS (chop and drop syndrome) could you be
sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in time and
intact?  Could you be sure the penis part they found was yours?

          Inquire now about our low cost penis protection plan.

Plan1 - We'll Register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own
unique registration numbers, insuring that in case of separation, you'll get
a perfect match everytime.

plan 2 - Our Jurassic prick program - We'll take a cell sample from your
penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a tractor trailer
runs over your penis or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a
chew toy.**

Plan 3 - For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one size
fits all battery operated stainless steel jock strap that can be worn when
necessary, when your asleep an alarm will become activated when metal or
other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jock strap.  This will
guarantee you a full nights sleep free of worry.

                    Don't get caught short...
                    call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!
               Remember ... The dick you save could be your own!!!



**Prices vary according to size.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 21:10:29 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ONe good chop deserves ...

        It's been reported locally in the Washington area (Manassas is one
of our suburbs) that several men have woken up to find red strings/yarn tied
to their privates with a smirking wife/girlfriend standing over them saying,
"See how easy it would be ..."

==========================================================================
Bogart: I came here for the waters.
Raines: Waters?  But we're in the desert!
Bogart: I was misinformed.
===========================================================================
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 7 Jan 1994 22:21:51 CST
Reply-To:     Patrick Crispen <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Patrick Crispen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      COUNTERFIT WARNING

THE FOLLOWING IS *NOT* A JOKE:

AN *EXTREMELY* LARGE CACHE OF COUNTERFIT $100 DOLLAR BILLS HAS JUST
ENTERED THE UNITED STATES FROM CUBA. I AM UNSURE IF THE COUNTERFITERS
WERE ABLE TO DUPLICATE THE "MICRO-LINE" BUT I DO KNOW THAT EACH OF
THESE COUNTERFIT BILLS HAS THE SAME SERIAL NUMBER: E60095645A.

THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM A FAX THAT WAS SENT TO EVERY FIRESTONE
DEALER IN THE SOUTH WARNING THEM ABOUT THESE BILLS.

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS A MERCHANT, PLEASE PASS THIS INFORMATION
ON TO THEM.

(and I apologize for posting a non-humorous letter to HUMOR, but
I don't think you'd find it funny if you ended up being taken by
these counterfiters).

______________________________________________________________________

  I HAVE THE MARS OBSERVER AND             PATRICK CRISPEN
  I'M NOT RETURNING IT UNTIL I             [e-mail]
  GET AN "A" IN ASTRONOMY.                 THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
______________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 8 Jan 1994 10:49:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Santa/Satan (sodomy reference)

Received from a friend...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 1994 21:43:23 -0500
From: Stephen Caldwell <[e-mail]>
To: Multiple recipients of list UUS-L <[e-mail]>
Subject: SANTA

I got this on another list, but I got such a kick out of it, I thought
I'd share it here.  I'm told it might offend, so be warned.  I wouldn't have
even thought to include that little caveat except that I showed it to a
woman in my office and she acted like I'd showed her pornographic
pictures of Sister Theresa.  Anyway, here it is...


********
Parents in Grand Saline, Texas removed a picture of Santa Claus from a
school because the letters in "Santa" can be rearranged to spell "Satan".

Which caused Esquire editors to note that the letters in "Grand Saline,
Texas" can be re-ordered to spell "Great Anal Sex Site".
********

I could use a double espresso with cocoa, if the e-coffee house is still
open.

pamela
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 8 Jan 1994 19:37:50 +0200
Reply-To:     Max Blumberg <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Max Blumberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Santa/Satan (sodomy reference)
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

On Sat, 8 Jan 1994, Shirley D. Kennedy [phone] wrote:

> Received from a friend...
>
> ---------- Forwarded message ----------
> Date: Fri, 7 Jan 1994 21:43:23 -0500
> From: Stephen Caldwell <[e-mail]>
> To: Multiple recipients of list UUS-L <[e-mail]>
> Subject: SANTA
>
> I got this on another list, but I got such a kick out of it, I thought
> I'd share it here.  I'm told it might offend, so be warned.  I wouldn't have
> even thought to include that little caveat except that I showed it to a
> woman in my office and she acted like I'd showed her pornographic
> pictures of Sister Theresa.  Anyway, here it is...
>
>
> ********
> Parents in Grand Saline, Texas removed a picture of Santa Claus from a
> school because the letters in "Santa" can be rearranged to spell "Satan".
>
> Which caused Esquire editors to note that the letters in "Grand Saline,
> Texas" can be re-ordered to spell "Great Anal Sex Site".
> ********
>
> I could use a double espresso with cocoa, if the e-coffee house is still
> open.
>
> pamela
> [e-mail]
>
and as if that wern't enough, try this: assign each letter of the
alphabet a multiple of 6 starting with A=6, B=12, C=18 and so on.

Now assign these numbers to the name KISSENGER and add 'em up: what do u get?

regards

Max
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 8 Jan 1994 15:21:03 CST
Reply-To:     Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Whitewater-gate

(Warning: offensive to fans of Richard Nixon)






Q:  Why do so many Republicans like Bill Clinton?



















A:   Because he makes Nixon look so honest.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 8 Jan 1994 15:07:31 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Frank White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Native American Joke

This joke is about Native Americans; no offense intended, hope
none is taken.

Native American Indian legend has it that many years ago, before
the domination of the White Man, there existed a tribe that lived
in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. And in this tribe, the
Chief had decided that the time had come for his only daughter,
the beautiful Wild Honey, to marry.

Now in this tribe, selection of a mate for the daughter of a chief
involved a kind of round-robin competition among the eligible braves
to determine who was the bravest, the strongest, the best hunter and
provider. From the preliminary rounds, two great contenders emerged --
the fast and powerful Running Water, and the bold and handsome
Falling Rocks.

The final event of the competition would decide the winner. Each
brave was given exactly seven days to prepare the traditional
BTFTLOOTGO -- "bridal tepee for the Little One of the Great One."
The winner would be the brave who built the better tepee and assembled
the more impressive collection of provisions.

Before heading their separate ways, each brave had an audience with
the Chief and the tribe's elders. Running Waters was the first to
address the Assembly: "I go now to valley of wild streams. I do
honor to great Chief." Then it was Falling Rocks turn: "I go now
to mountains in sky. I do honor to great Chief."

Although she could show no favorite, in her heart, Wild Honey wanted
Falling Rocks to win. Seven days later Running Waters returned,
pronouncing that he had prepared "One awesome BTFTLOOTGO." Wild Honey
waited anxiously for Falling Rocks return. She waited. And she waited.
The midnight deadline came and went -- no Falling Rocks. She begged
her father to extend the deadline, but he refused -- rules were rules,
he could show no favoritism. However he did arrange to have a search
party go out and look for the missing brave.

Well as it turned out, Falling Rocks did not return. Wild Honey
married Running Water. And every year thereafter, on the anniversary
of the event, braves went out in search of Falling Rocks. The story
became a great Native American legend. Why even to this very day,
if you happen to be driving through the Rockies, you can still see
the signs posted along the highways --

                WATCH OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 8 Jan 1994 18:19:44 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Blake Thompson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Lawfirm #2

Here's a friend of mines  law firm
in New York City:

                         Wee, Fuckem & Howe

                                                  1(800)BEN-DOVER
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 8 Jan 1994 19:13:54 EST
Reply-To:     _David Kimweli <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         _David Kimweli <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to Blacks & Whites .

A    Eropean was invited for dinner in a remote area of Kenya.During dinner , h
e noticed that his host was eating chicken bones. Supprised he asked "if you fe
ed on the bones, what do you feed your dogs? ".The host replied "we feed them
 ice-cream ".


      David Kimweli ([e-mail]. )
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 8 Jan 1994 18:02:39 MST
Reply-To:     Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Little Willies

When I was in High School (don't ask when), a found a bunch of 4 liners
about a character named Willy.  Here's a few.

Some politically correct people, or some other non-thinkers may find these
alittle offensive, but I don't.

















Little Willy killed his sister
   she was dead before we missed her.
Willy's always up to tricks
   ain't he cute, he's only six.


Into the family drinking well
   Willy pushed his sister Nell.
She there yet, the water kilt her
   and we have to use a filter.


Willy in a fit of glee
   put radium in grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it's such a lark
   to see her shining in the dark.


Litte Willy with his little shears
   clipped off baby brother's ears
This made baby so unsightly
   mother raised her eyebrows slightly.


Anyone know any more of these?
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 8 Jan 1994 20:24:47 EST
Reply-To:     RiffRaff <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         RiffRaff <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Santa/Satan (sodomy reference)
In-Reply-To:  Message of 01/08/94 at 19:37:50 from [e-mail]

How about this:

   SPIRO AGNEW  =  GROW A PENIS

--Riff
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 8 Jan 1994 21:30:47 -0800
Reply-To:     John Tenney <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         John Tenney <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Little Willies
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

Willie bashed open Baby's head
To see if brains are gray or red
What a naughty boy is he
He shall have no jam for tea.

British, maybe? Tea and jam?  Ta-ta, all, John Tenney ([e-mail])
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 9 Jan 1994 00:40:38 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Letterman top 10 new years resolutions

X-Comment: Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Lists
---> January 6, 1994 <---

=====================================
Top Ten Dave's New Year's Resolutions
=====================================

10. Breakfast, lunch and dinner:  Cheese-filled weenies
 9. Raise financial backing for my one man ice show -- "Davecapades!"
 8. Turn in Uzi for shiny new bicycle
 7. Tape all the NFL games on CBS
 6. Return camera number 3 to NBC
    (Here, Dave shows camera number 3 -- with an NBC logo on the side)
 5. Stop laughing every time I say "The Fox Network"
 4. Have applause sign installed in my bedroom
 3. To always remain loyal to this fine network -- unless another network
    comes up with some more money
 2. Learn to teeterboard nude
    (This entry is completed with a clip of senior citizens teeterboarding
    naked)
 1. Four words:  Mrs. Kathie Lee Letterman

===========================================================================
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 9 Jan 1994 08:31:59 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Frank White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      What's Under The Kilt Joke

Ever wonder what Scotsmen where under their kilts?

It seems, so the story goes, that the officers of a military unit
in Edinburg, Scotland had a habit of going to the local pub for a brew
after dress parade. One evening, Angus, the drum major, had had
a wee bit too much to drink. Teetering home later that evening, in
full military dress, kilt and all, he stumbled and passed out in
a drunken stupor under a lamppost on the sidewalk.

Within minutes, along came a beautiful young lass. She stepped around
Angus' prostrate body, continued for a few steps and then paused: "I
wonder...?" she thought to herself. "This is too good an opportunity
to pass up." Returning to the drum major stretched out there in front
of her, she stooped over and raised his kilt. To her astonishment,
pleasure, and amusement, she discovered that our fallen hero wore
nothing beneath his kilt. In celebration of the occasion she undid a
red ribbon from her bonny red hair, and tied it in a glorious bow
around Angus' magnificent penis.

Several hours later, as Angus began to awaken, he felt the constriction
around his organ. Raising his kilt, and observing, through bleery eyes,
the great red bow adorning his manhood, he uttered in vain-glorious
wonderment, "Aye, laddy, I don't know where you've been or what you've
been doing this evening, but it looks like you've won first prize!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 9 Jan 1994 12:37:04 -0500
Reply-To:     James McIntyre <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         James McIntyre <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Adultry Joke (rude,crude,disgusting,foul lang.)

Mickey mouse is in court seeking a divorce from Minnie:

Judge: Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant a divorce just because your wife is a little
       eccentric.

Mickey: No Judge, I don't think you understand. I said she was fucking goofy!


Andy Mcintyre
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 9 Jan 1994 13:26:20 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      God's vacation <profane>

The problems of the universe were weighing heavily on God's shoulders, and He
confessed the need for a rest.

"Why don't you take a short vacation, Boss?" suggested the Archangel Gabriel.

"Yes, but where do I go?"

"How about that little place, Earth?  You haven't been there for a good
while."

"Oh, no.  It's a world of busybodies," shuddered God.  "I was there 2,000
years ago and that's enough.  I had a quick fling with a young Jewish girl,
and they're still talking about it down there."
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 9 Jan 1994 13:41:44 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rockford is Jesus <profane>

This example of humor is
from: [e-mail] (Tim Mefford)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.rockford-files

I've been following this group, albeit sporadically, since its inception.
I'm surprised that no one has discussed the obvious meta-message to the
entire series.  As any graduate of UCLA film school will tell you after
studying the symbolism of the series, every episode is really a metaphor.

You see, Jim Rockford is actually Jesus.  The clues are so obvious.  Every
week Rockford is crucified and rises again, at least as much as is possible
within the constraints of a weekly detective series.  Witness the constant
references to Rockford the Father. Rock of Ages?   Each week Rockford is
carried away in a Firebird, much as Jesus was carried away by a bird of
fire to meet Elijah in the Gospel of Mark.

I need not even mention the unmistakeable evidence of his cohort being called
"Angel."  In one of the most popular episodes, Rockford is referred to as
"Rockfish."  We all know what the symbolism of the fish is.  Of course, what
activity did Jim and Rocky most often engage in?  Fishing!  Rockfisherman of
men.  The evidence is too overwhelming to be fully documented here.  Just
keep it in mind next time you see Rockford getting beat up, remember he's
getting beat up for *your* sins.

Source: -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet --

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
BITNET site, address mail or commands to <[e-mail]>; all
others should use the INTERNET address <[e-mail]>. To
request special assistance, write the listowner. Humor should be
sent to HUMOR@... To control your mail send LISTSERV@... the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR
MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
if you want to receive HUMOR once a day; SET HUMOR INDEX, if you
only want to receive the DIGEST table of contents (you can download
articles separately); SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting
privileges or if you prefer to access HUMOR by downloading archived
files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to leave this list. HUMOR is archived in
3000 line logs; to get log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR
to LISTSERV@... Never reply-to DIGEST or INDEX as that reply will
be posted to HUMOR with an invalid subject line. Since all
privileges on HUMOR are private to list members, you must address
the LISTSERV from your registered address. If that address changes,
you will need to change it here--if you want automatic services
from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 9 Jan 1994 14:54:15 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jason M. Miskuly" <[e-mail]>
Organization: Saint Bonaventure University
Subject:      Insulting to Hispanics

When does a Puerto Rican become a Spaniard?
(page down)
























When he marries his sister.............





Jason M. Miskuly
P. O. Box 2278
Boston, MA  02107-2278

[phone] [voice]
[phone] [fax]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 9 Jan 1994 17:10:38 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Subject:      3 classic Bush quotes

I came across these gems yesterday and just had to share them:

George Bush Quotes

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided [voters] could go one
way or another."

"Fluency in English is something I'm not often accused of."

"If frogs had wings, they'd let down their tail."

(There are a whole bunch more available through Gopher for anyone
that's interested.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Fenske                  "Courage is the art of being the only one
University of Wisconsin      who knows you're scared to death."
M.D./Ph.D. program           - Earl Wilson
----------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 9 Jan 1994 19:43:00 +1600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lawrence Kennon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Crude (and offensive to some)

------------   TEXT ATTACHMENT   --------
SENT 01-09-94 FROM KENNON_LARRY @CASEY


WARNING! The following joke may be offensive to women, the
prudishly inclined, and fans of Bill and Hilary Clinton.






















Bill and the Hilaroid are talking.

B:  Hillary, I want you to go to Bosnia and help with the negotiations.
H:  Oh Bill, I'm too busy.  I'm tied up with ruining health care and
    all these feminazi projects and I just don't have the time.
B:  Well I'm the president and I'm ordering you to go to Bosnia.
H:  Oh Honey, I'd do ANYTHING to keep from having to go.
B:  OK (ziiiippp)  Here.  Talk to Mr. Microphone.
    (Hilary goes to work on wee willie.)
H:  Jeez Bill, this tastes like shit!
B:  Yeah, Al Gore didn't want to go either.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 9 Jan 1994 23:38:24 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Robinson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Crude (and offensive...

{{ Wiz }}

Ghastly, but here it is:
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 13:43:56 +0300
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mo Mirzaa <[e-mail]>
Subject:      One More Dictator's Joke

Saddam Husain rules Iraq by terror and force. Every one is suspect
unless proven otherwise. So, once upon a time, the secret security
men arrested a guy and started beating him until he fainted. The man
in charghe turned to a guard and said: "Go get the nurse". After a
long time, the guard returned without the nurse. "Where is the nurse?"
the boss asked. "Well" the guard responded, "She confessed, Sir"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 07:47:00 EDT
Reply-To:     "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The return and signs of the times

A cardinal runs into the pope's office shouting "Holy Father, Holy Father...".

After catching his breath, the cardinal continues, "Holy father, I have good
news and bad news about the second coming."

"Well," says the pontiff, "what's the good news?"

"It has happened! Jesus is back with us on Earth."

A great smile crossed the Pope's lips, followed shortly by a frown. "And, what
is the bad news?"

"He returned to Salt Lake City!"

(I hope I didn't offend both my friends from the Church of Jesus Christ of
Later Day Saints (the Mormons) and my fellow Catholics.)

------------------------------------------

On the subject of signs, this was posted in a local mall right here in good old
Towson, Maryland, USA. It was posted in a watch repair shop:

"Water problem cannot be gauranteed after cleaning"

and right above it,

"We cannot gaurantee water problem"

Oh well, if you can't hold your water, don't go there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Good luck in '94. The generation of 1966 ends in 2011; that is the year I'm
looking forward to. If you want to know what I mean, ask me.

See ya,
Tom
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 10:11:25 -0500
Reply-To:     Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: COUNTERFIT WARNING
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

(1)     What's a $100 bill?

(2)     Did you hear about the (        ) hit-man who could never
        succeed in blowing up a car?
                --He kept burning his lips on the tailpipe.

(3)     Do you know how the (         ) burned his face?
                --He was bobbing for French fries.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 10:32:09 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Proud to be gay song & faking orgasm <crude>

Not as funny as Waltzing Matilda, but nevertheless a funny song:

Sing if your Glad to be Gay by Tom Robinson


The British police are the best in the world
I don't believe one of those stories I've heard
About pretty policemen in leather and jeans
Showing their legs through a split in the seams
Learing at people, leading them on
Then running them in when they start to respond
The press all ignore it, they don't want to see
Except when the case is, a Tory MP

Sing if your glad to be gay
Sing if your happy that way, hey
Sing if your glad to be gay
Sing if your happy that way

The pictures of naked young women are best
In the news of the screws and the popular press
They plaster their pages with bingo and tits
Then add all the scandal and slander that fits
The women of Greenham they smeared and dispised
They crucified Elton with smearing and lies
If its Phoedaphile teachers and lesbian nuns
If its filthy and fiction its, all there in the Sun

§chorusá

Now theres a cancer to blame on the gays
Its brutal and fatal and slowly invades
The moral majority like a lot
'Cause its the wages of sin and the judgement of God
The medics are baffled and caught on the run
They say its a nightmare thats barely begun
The goverment spending is barely a joke
'Cause saving gay lives doesn't, win any votes

§chorusá

And sit back and watch as they seize all our books
And treat us lepers and sinners and crooks
Just hope you don't get caught up in the raids
Or pick up a pig, or a partner with AIDS
Lie to your workmates and lie to your folks
Put down the clones and tell lesbian jokes
Forget the oppression from everywhere else
While we still do a wonderful job, oppressing ourselves

§chorusá

This joke probably isn't offensive, but it is crude.

Q. How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
A. Spits on the guy's back.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 10:58:08 -0400
Reply-To:     "Why use a big, long word,
              when a diminutive one will do?" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Vinnie and the Cop.....fof story.....

This is a "friend-of-a-friend" story, but having met the FOAF in question, I
believe it.

Vinnie and a friend were driving somewhere on Long Island (NY). They came to
an intersection where they wanted to make a left turn. Unfortunately, there
was a "No Left Turn" sign at the intersection. Looking around and seeing
none of the local constabulary, they decided to go for it anyway. Well, as
it always seems to happen, two of the local police were in fact nearby in
their cruiser, and they proceeded to stop our heroes. This exchange
followed.

  Cop: Could I see your license and registration, please?
        (Vinnie produces L&R)
  Cop: Do you know why I stopped you.

  Vinnie (in thick fake Italian accent): No, officer.

  Cop: You made an illegal left turn at that intersection.

  Vinnie: No! I want to make a right turn at that-a corner, but the sign,
     she say No! Left turn!

  Cop (staring in disbelief): Wait right here.

  Cop goes back to cruiser, returns with his partner.

  Cop: Tell him what you just told me.

  Vinnie repeats preposterous line, with preposterous accent, somehow
         keeping straight face.

  Cop (watching his parther howling in laughter): Go on, get out of here!
--
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 11:07:11 -0500
Reply-To:     Matt Lewkowicz <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Matt Lewkowicz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Vinnie and the Cop.....fof story.....

>Vinnie: No! I want to make a right turn at that-a corner, but the sign,
>     she say No! Left turn!

That reminds me of an episode with a friend of mine...

We were on our way home late one evening after a snowstorm, and there was the
expected lack of traffic on the road.  We both just wanted to get to our
respective beds, so when we came to a red light, Doug (my friend) stopped,
looked, and made a left on red (hey, nobody else was around).  DSure enough,
the "Murphy's" cops were right there...lights come on, they pull him over.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Doug: I made left on red, sir.

Cop: That's right.  Do you have an excuse?

Doug: Stupidity?

Sure enough Doug was just given a warning.

And I always thought that stupidity was criminal...

Matt Lewkowicz
[e-mail]